Feelings

Hello,

Before RAGBRAI people came I was feeling all generous even emailing to offer breakfast. Somehow more negative thoughts crept in and I began to hope they would pay me for the breakfast, after all I did not know any of these people. Leroy did know one of them. Showers cost $5 at public places. I thought people would want to shower here and sure enough that was the assumption. No one even asked, “Can I use your shower?” Instead the question was, “Where is the shower?”
Because we live in a parsonage it is a question should the church get the money or us? One man in a van asked to use electricity and he paid $5 for that service. Another group in a camper asked to fill their water tank. They gave me $20. I did give $10 back since no one else was paying for the shower inside of the house. We did give that money to the church since they do pay the utilities. However the IRS considers utilities part of Leroy’s income along with a fair rental value of the house. So just whose money should this be? It is hard to find the proper answer. Leroy was definitely more in favor of giving it to the church, so his wishes ruled. Besides keeping it did not feel right to me either.

In the evening one group gave us a RAGBRAI mug. The other group gave a Hawkeye basketball figure with a string on the top of the head, perhaps an ornament, but it seems a little large for a tree. Personally I do not care much about those things, but at least they gave something. Part of me still wanted money for the 15 showers, my new half empty bottle of body wash, two loads of laundry, computer use, and the meal(not everyone had the meal).

Guilt set in because generosity should rule. After all, so many people have been generous with us. Letting us stay over night and feeding us too. Where did these selfish thoughts come from? Is it the real me? Or am I a mix. I am hoping for the mix or at least changing from time to time. I have put it to rest finally and feel ok about it. Next time I think Leroy should ask to stay in homes. It is dry. There are showers, toilets, and company.
Paula