Looks can be deceiving

Hello,

I look outside. The sun is shining, but I know, because of all our sources of weather predictions, that it is not going to last. Spring is not quite here. My boots with wool socks are sitting out so I remember to put them back in the car, just in case. The snow should come after I am finished with work, but it is not totally predictable. Perhaps it is good for us to live with some uncertainty in our lives.

I have read that people with disfigurements are seen by adults who quickly look away. Children will stare at them. I am finding that to be the case with my face. It is easiest for me when someone mentions it. I find I do not want them to think that I look like this all the time. I have an urge to explain to everyone I meet. I am still putting on the cream, but will stop this week. Then healing will settle in. I have been told my skin will look very nice, perhaps even better than it has in the past because some of the spots that I have hidden under make up will be gone. I feel like I should wear a sign that says I am still the same person that I was in the past. I have not changed.

In my neighborhood many people are missing teeth. I feel concern for them, both because of the appearance and the inability to chew or bite off good produce. Do we judge people by their teeth or lack thereof? I suspect so, but is it right? Appearances do mean a lot. I remember many years ago standing in line to vote in a more local election. The man behind me and I were visiting about doing our duty even though we were not so sure about the candidates. He made the comment that one woman was nice looking so he was voting for her. How often does that happen? Could a truly unsightly person win an election? Are we missing the best leaders because of that?

Paula

Fun Outside

Hello,

Friday afternoon, Leroy and I went to Ely and pruned grape vines for our friend. I carefully protected my face from the sun by borrowing Leroy’s great hat. That is on my list of items to purchase. The pharmacist warned me to be careful when using this medicine and afterward I will have new skin so it will also need a lot of attention when outside. Anyway back to the vines. Those things had not been pruned for some time. Some of them had gone up a tree and on to the neighboring tree. I pulled as hard as I could on those getting some of them out of the tree, but many stayed up there. They were stronger than I. If there had been a pond to swing over I could have trusted those vines to hold me up. Leroy worked around the plants that were not close to the trees. He got a lot more done than I did, but I had the harder job. It was satisfying and a little scary to look at the stripped down results. We have consumed almost all of the juice we made from these plants, but have quite a lot of jelly as we do not eat it so fast. When Miriam’s family was here for Christmas they declared it to be quite good. It certainly does have a robust grape flavor.

Today when Leroy came home from his nursing home service, he and I went outside to work in our front raised bed garden. Leroy used a potato fork to turn the earth. He was happy as a clam with how easy it was to work. I pulled out the grass that also thought it was a good place to start a new life. Along the house some sedum is starting as are the chives and winter onions. I had hoped the parsley would survive, but it appeared to be dead.

 

While we were out there, a neighbor we had not met stopped and talked for quite a while. It is great to be out and visible in the neighborhood as it gives people a chance to connect if they would like to do so.

One of the amaryllis blooms is open. 

Paula

Am I obsessing?

Hello,

I spent a night with much awake time. Part of it was because my face hurts. I generally sleep on my side and both sides were not so comfortable for sleeping. When I was on my back, I seemed more alert than not. Then when I did sleep I had some upsetting dreams about seeing the doctor. One was that they had given me a pin which clipped to my clothes. It had a sensor embedded in it allowing entry to their rather large convoluted office area. For some reason I did not remember a thing about the pin until I got to the place where I begged and pleaded with them to let me in. When I was finally allowed in, I could not find my way even if I asked. With many twists and turns, it was more like a haunted house than not. I was happy to wake up from that dream, but then I wondered was I being told something about my face?

This morning I called early and almost immediately spoke with a nurse, who is to relay the message to the Dr. Because I am starting to get some scabs, she thought it might be time to stop, but I will wait for the word. It seems to me it is a little bit non scientific because each person is different. Is that all of medicine? Now the trick is to find the spot between not enough time and too much time of using the cream.

Leroy has this afternoon off. Without knowing that fact I told him I would like to deep clean a room a month until done, and would he help me? He said, “Yes, I will be home tomorrow afternoon. Let’s start then.”

This guy is so on the ball. I would rather hem and haw for a while. Our bedroom is the starting point. The closet is now mostly empty as is much of the room. Just waiting for the dynamo to come home and take up the sword. A few things even fund their way to the give away pile.

Paula

Touching my face

Hello,

I have learned from this experience how much I have my hands on my face. If seated, I think by resting my face in my hands. When listening to someone my hand wonders up to my cheek. When mystified I scratch my head and then aim somewhere in the direction of my chin. Just how difficult is it for me to keep my hands off my face? Quite hard, but I am getting better. I will try to keep that habit going when everything is cleared up. What are my chances of maintaining this resolution?

Today, I tried to call the Dr. to find out just what my face should look like when I stop putting on the cream. Each time I called the line was busy so I quit.

Before I could get back to it again a young friend called. He came over for a visit. We had conversation, tea, and cinnamon rolls made from the fastnacht dough. It is amazing for me to have something that I could serve a guest that is sweet. These were stored in the freezer. I did not have icing or butter to put on them, but he declared them to be good.

Today I remembered not to go to work as I am working on Saturday. I am inordinately proud of myself for getting that fact to my brain and responding appropriately. Hopefully I will do as well on Saturday so I will show up at work. I did go to tai chi in the morning and found that I gained quite a lot of focus. There is wonderful calming freedom focusing on just something as basic as breathing and moving muscles. Do you think that focus could spill over into the rest of my life? Sometimes I feel quite scattered and flighty.

The other day when I was ready to do meditation after a yoga practice, I picked up the cloth to put over my eyes, held it above, and something black fell down on my forehead before it rolled off. What was that? A spider, a bug, a heavy piece of lint? Deep calm relaxation is quite elusive when confronted with a one gram of unknown substance that might be creeping over my body.

Paula

Dirty Cars

Hello,

True to form we have not gotten the cars washed. There is quite a bit of dirt on them. I took a rag and wiped off the lights on my car hoping that others can see me even if the car is dirty and blends in with the ground. We had talked about keeping up with the washing detail, but at least for now that is not at the forefront of our minds. Yesterday on the walk to church we noticed the car wash in our area had almost 12 cars lined up. It was something to walk through the parking lot and see how the clear cars sparkled even with no sun shine. Maybe this week we can get the job done, but do not hold your breath. One noticeable negative about a dirty vehicle is that dirt/mud on the back of pant legs. I try so hard to remember not to let my leg touch the frame of the car, but sometimes forget. Can you just see me all decorated?

Leroy rode the bike today.  He put on his vest which is that neon green color. As I was talking to him before he left I noticed this double piece of fabric up near his heart. On checking I found it to be an inside pocket. Leroy did not know there was a pocket there. I also found two other mystery pockets lower in the usual place for a jacket. Is Leroy the image of an absent minded professor?

Soon one of the amaryllis bulbs that were my sister’s will bloom. In about two more weeks a second will bloom. The other two must be too small or did not have the right treatment for their life cycle even though I treated all alike.

I am soon to head off to work with a bare, interesting looking face. I have to stop thinking about myself. I will notice those around me and what I can do or say to give a positive impact in their lives. How is that for a goal?

Paula

Change does happen

Hello,

I have a no contract phone. My time was running out at the beginning of March. I put off attending to the process of getting more time because, in the past, it has been quite the ordeal. For some reason my account seems to be quite mixed with some phantom person. I waited until I was home for the day because I did not want to stop in the middle. In other years I have had to speak with a live person or two depending on the ability to solve whatever needed to be solved. This time I had a promotion number which had been sent to my message box. I was able to extend the time and buy minutes without speaking to a person except the automated voice who understood me as well as anyone I have dealt with. In just a matter of eight minutes I had accomplished my goal. I have extended the time for a year and I have more minutes than I will possibly use unless I get a smart phone and start using it for other tasks than just communicating. I almost jumped up and down when I was done. Here I had gathered strength and courage for a long convoluted conversation that did not happen. I even have printed off notes from my previous wrangles so I could back up any statements that I might need. That paper was unused, but it is back in the file for just in case I might need it next year.

My face feels quite dry and a burningly uncomfortable. It looks flaming red in places. I went to church without makeup, something I have not done in so long I think it might have been before I was married. No one died of shock at the sight. It is painful to remove the makeup so I just let it go, gave myself a talk about vanity, gathered up courage, and went out the door. No one gasped, but I saw some look and then look away. At the moment I am planning to go to work tomorrow and brave the same type of situation. Healing is coming in a week or two. Hopefully that is not too optimistic of an outlook. I wore my stocking cap because it was a bit cold and Leroy’s great sun shield hat over that. My hats do not have such a wide brim and I did not want to risk any more damage.

Paula

My face is blooming

Hello,

Today it is safe to say that the face cream is working as more red spots are appearing. I thought there were only one or two on my forehead, but Leroy tells me that is untrue. I finally read all of the directions. On those instructions it states to use sunscreen. The pharmacist suggested that I should wear a hat. Yesterday I did put on sunscreen since the sun was beautiful, but felt nervous because I had not read the full account. Today I was looking for some more clues about when to stop putting on the cream. I thought the verbal instructions were when it breaks out, but how do I know when it is enough? Again the pharmacist warned me not to use it longer than necessary. At the moment I have decided to use it yet today and tomorrow with a call to the doctor Monday morning. Part of the reason I did not read the full thing is that I did not want to know the side effects because that might influence me to think I had them. My face burns a little and is quite dry so I wondered; sure enough those are some side effects. No drug can be used without side effect.

Today the sun is again inviting, but I am simply staying indoors. I washed some rugs and had Leroy hang them out. Leroy is such a happy clam today because he has an entire day off from other work.

We did get a contract for long term care. This morning we spent some serious time discussing whether we should proceed with this contract. We have some time in which we can cancel without penalty. It is amazing how much we can vacillate on this decision. Neither of us is a big decision maker. Pride is in the picture a little bit because we both have been given the premium contract because we are in such good shape for our age. As one daughter said, “They are betting that you will not use it.” The future is not ours to see. Right now we are edging towards not getting it, but after more thought it could change.

My big Christmas cactus is struggling. I have had to throw away more chunks of it. I suspect that walnut damaged the soil make up. When the weather is better and my face it better I will repot it. It has not totally died and I am happy to see some new growth on a part of it. There is hope.

Paula

That Leroy

Hello,

When Leroy got the flowers for me a balloon stuck to his back, rode out of the store, and floated off into the heavens. He was unaware of its attachment, but noted its leaving. He felt bad about that, however he just headed home carrying flowers and a little guilt. As time passed, the guilt or sense of responsibility grew until it colored much of his life. Finally two days later he went back to the establishment, spoke with the manager and was exonerated. They did not think it was a big deal and would not accept his offer of payment. His load has been lightened.

Leroy wondered about riding the bike to work today because the temperature was up, but he is concerned about thin layers of ice that might have formed overnight. He rode anyway. Because I have not heard a sound from him, it must have gone well. I am always happy when he can ride because it seems to improve his mood and stamina, health and well being.

Leroy bought a number of books at the library sale. I do not think he has read a single one. I keep bringing books from the library. Lately the library has been getting some SI-FI Fantasy type which Leroy might like. I check them out immediately so I do not forget what they are. It is not my genre, making it more difficult for me to remember them.  When we travel Leroy assumed he would take a used book freeing him from the responsibility of keeping track of a library book, however now that he has his own tablet he is getting eBooks and reading them. Meanwhile the used books are languishing on the shelf. A new sale is coming in May; do you think he will add to his collection so the current books can welcome new friends?

Paula

Stuff

Hello,

Stuff is growing in my house. Does that mean I am becoming an old lady? I look around and I see more things sitting around here and there. I will have to do a purge some day. We might even give away some of our Slovak things. Especially items we kept just so we could display them if we give a talk on the subject. I think we are getting past that time of giving talks. It will have been ten years ago this summer that we returned to the US. Some of those things to show at a talk are the grocery ads, newspapers, and calendars. Surely those could be moved on to recycle.

Leroy looked at his seminary class group photo just before he went to the 40^th reunion dinner. His classmate there told him that he had a list of all the names so Leroy could fill in the gaps. Now he cannot find that photo. Seems to me if we had fewer things it would be easier to find. He has looked and I have looked. It was not to be found in any of the logical places. Could Leroy have put it in an illogical place?

We walked to church this morning. No sun, but the snow was coming down. I wore the coat which extends the most over my head. My face still shows no change from the lotion. I am living life as usual rather than avoiding exposing others to a dreadful sight.

Leroy has some overshoes that he usually uses for rain, but today he wore them as snow boots. When he removed them at church he found that his shoes were all dusty. I looked in the overshoes and saw a load of sand. He does not know where that came from, but I think it would be hard on the bottom of these high tech boots. Do you think he could have had that on the bottom of his shoes sometime? These overshoes look nothing like my dad’s four buckle farm boots. We have another pair that was to be mine, but I do not wear them as they slop around on my dress shoes. Leroy wore those this afternoon for his trek to the nursing home. Leroy and I have the same size foot. Maybe the second pair will get some use and be worth the money spent.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Rejoice in/with your loved ones.

Paula

My Face and other thoughts

Hello,

My face looks the same after two applications of the lotion. But I understand it is all variable so it could be a week or more for results to show.

I looked over my last letter to you. Sorry about no editing. How could I be so careless? Easy I guess. Just type along and do not pay attention to the result.

While using this lotion, the sun is not my friend. Course today was a beautiful sunny day even though quite cold. I did not go out because I did not want to wear a sun bonnet in the frigid air. One can only allow oneself to look a certainly level of ridiculous. Although I often think that age is my friend in this regard. Who cares what others think about the way I look?

In checking my cupboard I found a can of pumpkin pie mix. So Leroy and I are enjoying pumpkin pie with an oil crust and non fat yogurt topping. It still tastes sweet to both of us. Just how much sugar did they add to the mix? Pumpkin is already rather sweet so it should be fine with no sugar.

Leroy got me some roses for Valentine’s. I put them in the puzzle vase. They go together quite well. 

I must not learn as quickly as I once did. It took me a long time to figure out how to get the photo where I wanted it so I could share the link with you. I must pat myself on the back because I did finish the job. Mostly it is a problem because I have not used Windows 10 in all the possible ways. Consequently those old familiar ways are gone. It is a stretch to know or remember everything in it that I have tried a month or longer in the past.

Leroy worked this morning, came home, ate a piece of pie, and is now napping. Sweet dreams Leroy.

Paula

At Home

Hello,

Leroy and I came back from MN on Saturday. Since then I have felt busy and not in the mood for writing. One of my parts of being busy was that I went to the dermatologist for an examination of my face which seems to be a hot bed of activity. I have rosacea, but I have known that for 25 years or so. Then I also have actinic keratosis which is a precancer condition that requires treatment. The third thing is seborrheic keratoses. The plan is to treat each on in succession as the first clears up. The first was the actinic keratosis for which I must apply a lotion and look terrible for a while.

I stopped at the pharmacy on my walk home where I was informed that it was too soon as they had not prepared the medicine for me. They did seem to be quite busy and left with the assurance that they would call me. It was easy to put off calling because I would rather not do that. Today no excuses came to mind so I called. I use the store which is called, but some people, not me, the Ghetto grocery store. I believe that someone had slipped up about calling me because she said they did have the prescription, but they had not filled it because it cost quite a bit of money. My share would come to $50. She questioned me, “Would you like to get this?”

To my affirmative she replied that they did not have it in this store, but she could see if some of the other stores in town had it on hand. The next closest store had one tube and I could go there to get it.

I have spent some heavy thinking time about others in my neighborhood who might need this medicine, but do not get it because the cost is beyond their means. That brings up a variety of emotions to the surface. Gratitude that we have the money for me to purchase this without any sacrifice on our part and saddened for the people around me who endure so many things that I know nothing about. I certainly cannot complain about my life.

I remember in 1980 we sponsored a refuge family. When the wife had a baby they discovered she had round worms. Their family and our family had to take one pill for round worms. The total cost was $80. I was grumbling about that expense when I read in a church magazine about the millions of people around the world who have round worms and are never treated for that. The worms do not kill them, but serious sap their energy. I was then ashamed for complaining about spending $80 because we could be rid of them and never have to worry about getting them again.

Paula

In Minnesota

Hello,

We arrived safely and in a good time yesterday. Interesting how the snow patterns work. First there was less and less snow then as we continued north there was more and a bit more. It is obviously melting quite a bit here as it was at home.

Leroy got the car washed before we left home. There were two reasons for getting this done. Lery read that to keep a car for 200,000 miles it is good to get them washed frequently paying especial attention to getting the salt or other chemicals off the under carriage. There was a coupon in the paper for just such a wash so it was easier to justify.

The car looked good sitting in the garage, but as soon as we pulled out into the gentle rain it was apparent that the clean look was going to disappear. For many miles all sorts of stuff was flicked up onto the sides and underbody. Give Leroy, the non car washing guy an A for effort. As we drove north we were happy to drive out of the mist and come under clear skies.

Brian was out with the children at soccer practice. He could let us into the house remotely opening the garage door when we told him that we had arrived. Another new technology that I was unaware of. The possibilities just keep going on and on. How many treasures are there in my life? Things that I could do right now if I just knew about them.

We are now installed in Sophia's room for sleeping. I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Cloe came in and sleep on there at my feet for part of the night. I have never had a dog sleep on the same mattress. For the rest of the nights Cloe has checked out the mattress spot, stepped on my foot and parked herself beside me on the blanket that was on the floor. For the most part I have slept deeply and well. Once when I woke I was aware of Sophia laughing softly, moving causing the planets attached to her bed railing to jingle, Leroy snorting a little, Cloe whimpering and whole lot of breathing going on.

Paula